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Monday, February 21, 2011

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Update: Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom

Now an update to my earlier post, Tiger Mom: Declawed. At the time, I hadn't read the book but wanted to comment on how I felt regarding the whole idea of culture-based parental pressure in general, and how it did or didn't affect my own life. Now, having read the book, I was hoping to find some sort of redemption in this mom's story: whether it was true concern for her children's well being or whether she had somehow discovered the motivation behind her actions, like a need to impress her parents. What I found was a woman who is wholly unapologetic for hijacking her children's early years and who doesn't even see a need to justify it. I've never understood it; although I've seen it time and time again, in my own family as well as in other "ethnic" families, a lack of self-esteem perpetuated through generations. Whether it's cultural or just habit, the parent believes that by putting down the child, it will somehow stimulate them to try harder. I don't believe that the put-down is even fully believed by the adult; it just seems to come naturally to them. A knee-jerk behavior. To Western sensibilities, this seems harsh, but to certain cultures, it's benign and even beneficial to the child. Amy Chua does allude to this but never admits that it could be harmful. She does acknowledge the differences in the two cultures but ultimately commits herself to the belief that a child cannot motivate themselves enough, that it is up to the parent to usher the child to success. That is, success being defined as perfection.  So many times, while reading this book, I wanted to slap this woman...hard. With chopsticks. And not those disposable break-apart balsa wood ones, either.  I don't believe that Ms. Chua's treatment of her children was motivated by her concern for their welfare. I also don't think that her parent's self-made success story inspired her to want her children to exceed their expectations. I think it's far simpler than that. I believe that her motivations are purely selfish: the need to brag and feel superior to others. Whether inherited by culture or by a personal lack of self-esteem, some people simply love to look down their noses at others. Based on what I know of her own accomplishments, Ms. Chua certainly has nothing to be ashamed of. Her resume is stellar and enviable. It's possible her personality prevents her from ever being satisfied which is too bad because her personal lack of fulfillment bleeds onto her children.  My heart goes out to those kids, who don't know any different to comment on whether or not their childhood was short-changed. I told Tristan about this book and some of the things the author said to her kids and he said he could never have lived with a mom like that. I joked with him and told him that by her standards, he was an utter and complete failure. (No, we can talk like that to each other...it's okay, really) He joked back and said, "Not just by HER standards!!" We laughed and I thought to myself that I was glad his self esteem was healthy enough to make fun of himself and that our relationship was strong enough to be able to discuss such a topic. I learned a long time ago that I can't force him to do anything. I still try, but I know I'll only damage what we have. He's not perfect, but I tell you what - he's never stood up in a restaurant and shouted "I HATE YOU!!" like the daughters in this book. There's something wrong with me, as a parent, if my actions would ever incite my child to do something like that. Dear Tiger Mom, take a good look at yourself before it's too late for your kids. Stop trying to disprove your own self doubt through the achievements of your children. I'm a Tiger Mom too...but I'll fight to protect his life, not destroy it.