Tiger Mom: Declawed

Okay, let's talk about it. First, I have to confess that I haven't read this book, but its highly controversial subject has been all over the news lately. I have read excerpts from the book, however, and believe me, I know how this story goes down. Amy Chua's Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother is as much a self promotion of the methods many Chinese parents utilize in child raising in order to achieve perfection as it is a bitter criticism of the way Western parents...don't. Her exacting and often brutal methods of raising her two daughters is bordering, in my opinion, on child abuse. To not allow children to exercise their right to be children, make mistakes, and enjoy the all-too-brief wonders of childhood is tragic. Ms. Chua tells a story about her daughter presenting her with a homemade birthday card. The childishly scrawled card was summarily rejected with the admonishment: Do this again. You can do better. Forget sentiment, forget the feelings behind the gift. It wasn't perfect. The author rationalizes her actions by saying, "You can't argue with the results."  Maybe I can't, but I'm sure a slew of psychiatrists will able to when these poor kids grow up and try to figure out why they feel so worthless.  Results are not the litmus test for happiness. Success...what is it, really?  How much money you make? The title on your business card?  Now, if you're going to argue that Asian (not just Chinese) students don't surpass other ethnic groups in terms of academic achievement, stop right here. It's a stereotype, a prejudice, a blanket racial epithet....and it's all true. Mostly. Having said that, I personally, never fit into the category. My grades were so-so (maybe exemplary by comparative standards) but certainly didn't live up to what you'd imagine a little Chinese/Japanese girl to produce. I've always been aware of the expectations but my parents were not the overbearing, perfection-demanding type. They never said, "You must be excellent," but it was implied.  Looking back, I'm not sure if the expectation came from them or me.  My sister, however, did fit the model. Perfect grades, perfect student...good citizen of the Model Minority. Maybe she bore the brunt of my parents' hopes, freeing me to pursue a more social life in high school. Nevertheless, if my parents had followed the handbook of the Tiger Mom, I'm certain I would have rebelled, as apparently, did one of the daughters in the book. I think one of the reasons people resent Tiger Mom is that she is unapologetic and downright smug about her methods. She insists that her own immigrant parents expected the same performance standards from her and it was "the best gift they could have given me."  I'm sure they wanted her to be happy, I'm sure they believed, like many immigrants with less opportunities in their own country, that the way to the American dream was via academic success. I agree that the Western emphasis on individual fulfillment can produce spoiled, selfish Me kids. The current trend towards permissive parenting: letting kids run wild everywhere, afraid to correct bad behavior and overcompensating small achievements (clapping for using the potty - good grief!) is producing a generation of kids who don't understand why things aren't handed to them for their meager effort. After all, my parents treated me like a superstar, why doesn't the world? I've said it before: If you give everything to your child; do everything for them, you teach them to TAKE. They never learn how to GIVE.  It's sickening and frightening. But surely there's a place in the middle between the two extremes of Tiger Mom and American Clueless? While we wrestle and argue about the best way to give our kids better than we had, a whole generation of brilliant, capable and self-sufficient kids forget that they have a brain that belongs completely and totally to them, and, if allowed, will find their own way - maybe not what we would choose for ourselves, but wholly their own. And they'll be surprised to find that it's good enough.