Peace by Jack Handey

"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.

And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."

~ Jack Handey ~

Radio Flyer

I don't know of anyone whose childhood doesn't have at least one memory of riding in a Radio Flyer classic red wagon. I don't think my sister and I owned one, but someone we knew did. Not the most comfortable of rides and the inside was always filled with leaves and had rusty corners but who cared? My favorite way to ride was to turn the handle backwards and have someone push so I could steer. One running heave-ho down a sloping driveway could start anyone's heart pumping. The critical part was making that 90° turn onto the sidewalk before zooming onto the actual street where you risked being hit by a car. Most often, we'd tip over onto the grassy median screaming like a banshee and flush with the possibility of losing life and limb. Even with bloody, scraped palms and grass-stained elbows, we'd jump up and shout, "Again! Again!!" No way would any parent nowadays watch this with crossed arms from their porch and let it happen again and again, but these were different times. In fact, one of my favorite fall pastimes was watching my uncles burn leaves in the ditch in front of my grandparents' house and then taking turns with my cousins taking a flying leap through the fire and smoke. Terribly dangerous but oh, what fun! And now...Radio Flyer has gone high-tech. In keeping with today's safety demands, the 90-year old company has put in 5-pt harnesses and padded seats. There's also an iPod dock with speakers, cup holders and digital readouts on the handle so Mom can see what the temperature, time and distance is so they don't go too far or get too hot. Hmmm.



Sure is pretty, but this is a wagon for wusses. I guess the driveway zoom is out. And tipping over and scraping the side would be like...God forbid...drinking Grape Nehi in Mom's Lexus. No wonder kids are soft and fat today and whine when things aren't handed to them on a silver platter. It's my generation's fault, I suppose. Trying too hard to not be our parents. And I don't fault our parents for being irresponsible or careless either. They did the best they could with what they had. My generation, with our expensive educations and internet access, maybe overthinks things a bit to prove to ourselves that we're the best parents we can possibly be. Good intentions. But the thing is, we may not have always made that 90° turn, every time...and yes, blood was spilled and clothes were singed ...but we sure loved trying. And we learned that falling doesn't always mean failure and that sometimes, you have to jump into smoke without knowing if you'll make it through. Sometimes, growing up means having perpetual scabs on your elbows and singed-off eyebrows. Maybe, just maybe, the journey into adulthood wasn't meant to be pretty.

Warm Wishes

Why It Should Be Illegal For White People To Rap

No.

Whopper Virgins

Fascinating short film about people in remote areas of the world who have never tasted a hamburger before. Sponsored by Burger King, this obviously biased unscientific study captures rare first reactions to the joys of artery-clogging, flame broiled, greasy heaven. Takes about 7 minutes to view but worth it.

And speaking of fast food, several co-workers of mine would be thrilled to find one of these new vending machines somewhere near the library. Unfortunately, they're not yet available in our area:

Put Up Christmas Lights? Check

Intelligence Interrupted

New word: BOWDLERIZE. Webster dictionary defines it as: "to expurgate (a written work) by removing or modifying passages considered vulgar or objectionable." Also known as: Censorship. Named after Thomas Bowdler, famous for editing Shakespeare in 1818 to make it presentable to families. 'Cause ya know that wacky Will Shakespeare is practically pornographic.... At New Rochelle High School, the kids were assigned a bowdlerized version of Susanna Kaysen's Girl Interrupted. The school district has determined that parts of the book are "inappropriate" due to sexual content and strong language. Yeaah...so there's no other books in the entire world to choose from?? The chairman of the English department collected all the copies of the book and tore out pages 64-70 then returned it to the unsuspecting students. It's a good thing that Big Brother is around to watch these things otherwise teenagers might learn about S-E-X. Whew! Dodged that bullet, eh? If you want to read more about this story and find ways to voice your opinion click on this link: HITLERLIVES.

Smell Like A Library!

Just in time for Christmas: Library perfume! Now you can smell just like your local library or book store. The ad says, "...(it) is a subtle scent, and it’s not so much the exact recreation of the musty, antique smell of the pages of old book as much as it is the entire book…a hint of worn leather bindings, a whisper of the frayed cloth and the wisp of wood polish from the shelves it sits on and even a bit of sweetness we can’t place." And also, "more like a faint memory rolling around in your mind and inspiring you to dream of a long afternoon in an old leather chair curled up with a novel."

Gee. That doesn't smell anything like OUR library, which isn't exactly STINKO (you know what I mean) but there's no wood polish or leather. After breathing it in all day, I'm not exactly "inspired" to do anything...except maybe take a shower. Our library perfume ad would read: "...a pungent odor, reminiscent of cardboard dropped in the bathtub and left to curl up...of mildew left over from Hurricane Ike. A mixture of rubbing alcohol, smoker's cough and clove body spray with the sour after-notes of infrequently washed feet. Inhale it like a slow-burning cigarette, starting out subtly and then building in acrid strength and potency until your all the hair in your nostrils falls out onto your lap." Yeah. I even have a name for it: REEK. Everybody's wearin' it. Bwahahaha!

Sheltie Humiliation

"Just one picture," she says.

"It'll be funny," she says.

Rage

Time to vent. Few things make me angrier than hearing about animal abuse. Jiffy, this beautiful, intelligent 11 year old border collie was left outside to freeze in 6 degree weather in Sheboygan, Wisconsin yesterday. Neighbors noticed the dog, unable to move and frozen to the sidewalk for over 12 hours and called the local humane society. Pieces of Jiffy's fur are still stuck to the pavement where rescuers cut him off the icy concrete. The "owner," a 59-year old excuse for a human being, was taken into custody on "suspicion of animal neglect." Fortunately, Jiffy is still alive but unable to walk, partly due to the fact that he is grossly overweight, which is abusive in itself. The Sheboygan Humane Society has received several offers to adopt Jiffy and I hope he finally finds the good home he deserves. I have an easy solution for his former owner that would save the good citizens of Sheboygan a lot of money in court fees but I'm restraining myself from posting it here. Our pets give us unconditional love and only ask for the basics of life in return. If you're too much of a self-absorbed troglodite to agree to that, PLEASE don't get one. Off to go punch a pillow.