Peace by Jack Handey

"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.

And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."

~ Jack Handey ~

Radio Flyer

I don't know of anyone whose childhood doesn't have at least one memory of riding in a Radio Flyer classic red wagon. I don't think my sister and I owned one, but someone we knew did. Not the most comfortable of rides and the inside was always filled with leaves and had rusty corners but who cared? My favorite way to ride was to turn the handle backwards and have someone push so I could steer. One running heave-ho down a sloping driveway could start anyone's heart pumping. The critical part was making that 90° turn onto the sidewalk before zooming onto the actual street where you risked being hit by a car. Most often, we'd tip over onto the grassy median screaming like a banshee and flush with the possibility of losing life and limb. Even with bloody, scraped palms and grass-stained elbows, we'd jump up and shout, "Again! Again!!" No way would any parent nowadays watch this with crossed arms from their porch and let it happen again and again, but these were different times. In fact, one of my favorite fall pastimes was watching my uncles burn leaves in the ditch in front of my grandparents' house and then taking turns with my cousins taking a flying leap through the fire and smoke. Terribly dangerous but oh, what fun! And now...Radio Flyer has gone high-tech. In keeping with today's safety demands, the 90-year old company has put in 5-pt harnesses and padded seats. There's also an iPod dock with speakers, cup holders and digital readouts on the handle so Mom can see what the temperature, time and distance is so they don't go too far or get too hot. Hmmm.



Sure is pretty, but this is a wagon for wusses. I guess the driveway zoom is out. And tipping over and scraping the side would be like...God forbid...drinking Grape Nehi in Mom's Lexus. No wonder kids are soft and fat today and whine when things aren't handed to them on a silver platter. It's my generation's fault, I suppose. Trying too hard to not be our parents. And I don't fault our parents for being irresponsible or careless either. They did the best they could with what they had. My generation, with our expensive educations and internet access, maybe overthinks things a bit to prove to ourselves that we're the best parents we can possibly be. Good intentions. But the thing is, we may not have always made that 90° turn, every time...and yes, blood was spilled and clothes were singed ...but we sure loved trying. And we learned that falling doesn't always mean failure and that sometimes, you have to jump into smoke without knowing if you'll make it through. Sometimes, growing up means having perpetual scabs on your elbows and singed-off eyebrows. Maybe, just maybe, the journey into adulthood wasn't meant to be pretty.

Warm Wishes

Why It Should Be Illegal For White People To Rap

No.

Whopper Virgins

Fascinating short film about people in remote areas of the world who have never tasted a hamburger before. Sponsored by Burger King, this obviously biased unscientific study captures rare first reactions to the joys of artery-clogging, flame broiled, greasy heaven. Takes about 7 minutes to view but worth it.

And speaking of fast food, several co-workers of mine would be thrilled to find one of these new vending machines somewhere near the library. Unfortunately, they're not yet available in our area:

Put Up Christmas Lights? Check

Intelligence Interrupted

New word: BOWDLERIZE. Webster dictionary defines it as: "to expurgate (a written work) by removing or modifying passages considered vulgar or objectionable." Also known as: Censorship. Named after Thomas Bowdler, famous for editing Shakespeare in 1818 to make it presentable to families. 'Cause ya know that wacky Will Shakespeare is practically pornographic.... At New Rochelle High School, the kids were assigned a bowdlerized version of Susanna Kaysen's Girl Interrupted. The school district has determined that parts of the book are "inappropriate" due to sexual content and strong language. Yeaah...so there's no other books in the entire world to choose from?? The chairman of the English department collected all the copies of the book and tore out pages 64-70 then returned it to the unsuspecting students. It's a good thing that Big Brother is around to watch these things otherwise teenagers might learn about S-E-X. Whew! Dodged that bullet, eh? If you want to read more about this story and find ways to voice your opinion click on this link: HITLERLIVES.

Smell Like A Library!

Just in time for Christmas: Library perfume! Now you can smell just like your local library or book store. The ad says, "...(it) is a subtle scent, and it’s not so much the exact recreation of the musty, antique smell of the pages of old book as much as it is the entire book…a hint of worn leather bindings, a whisper of the frayed cloth and the wisp of wood polish from the shelves it sits on and even a bit of sweetness we can’t place." And also, "more like a faint memory rolling around in your mind and inspiring you to dream of a long afternoon in an old leather chair curled up with a novel."

Gee. That doesn't smell anything like OUR library, which isn't exactly STINKO (you know what I mean) but there's no wood polish or leather. After breathing it in all day, I'm not exactly "inspired" to do anything...except maybe take a shower. Our library perfume ad would read: "...a pungent odor, reminiscent of cardboard dropped in the bathtub and left to curl up...of mildew left over from Hurricane Ike. A mixture of rubbing alcohol, smoker's cough and clove body spray with the sour after-notes of infrequently washed feet. Inhale it like a slow-burning cigarette, starting out subtly and then building in acrid strength and potency until your all the hair in your nostrils falls out onto your lap." Yeah. I even have a name for it: REEK. Everybody's wearin' it. Bwahahaha!

Sheltie Humiliation

"Just one picture," she says.

"It'll be funny," she says.

Rage

Time to vent. Few things make me angrier than hearing about animal abuse. Jiffy, this beautiful, intelligent 11 year old border collie was left outside to freeze in 6 degree weather in Sheboygan, Wisconsin yesterday. Neighbors noticed the dog, unable to move and frozen to the sidewalk for over 12 hours and called the local humane society. Pieces of Jiffy's fur are still stuck to the pavement where rescuers cut him off the icy concrete. The "owner," a 59-year old excuse for a human being, was taken into custody on "suspicion of animal neglect." Fortunately, Jiffy is still alive but unable to walk, partly due to the fact that he is grossly overweight, which is abusive in itself. The Sheboygan Humane Society has received several offers to adopt Jiffy and I hope he finally finds the good home he deserves. I have an easy solution for his former owner that would save the good citizens of Sheboygan a lot of money in court fees but I'm restraining myself from posting it here. Our pets give us unconditional love and only ask for the basics of life in return. If you're too much of a self-absorbed troglodite to agree to that, PLEASE don't get one. Off to go punch a pillow.

Happy 19th Birthday Tristan!

Tomorrow, my baby turns 19. Here he is at age 7 preparing

for one of his many super-secret incognito spy missions.

Here's to many new adventures, baby.

This Is Just Wrong

I don't care how moist this Turkey Cannon makes your Thanksgiving turkey, this just doesn't seem right to me. It's supposed to infuse your turkey with whatever liquid (beer, stock, etc.) you choose, keeping the bird moist and juicy and lessen the cooking time per pound. I'm just not sure if I could add insult to injury by eating the poor thing after such a violation....

All I Had Was An Easy Bake Oven!

Check out these yummy-looking felt "shu-mai" dumplings for kids to pretend to cook! They're made by etsy artist dolittledesign and they come in their own bamboo steamer and includes a little cup of "soy dipping sauce" - all made from FELT. Other dim sum treats are also available including pot stickers, scallion pancakes and fortune cookies. Ah, to be six again!

Hide Your Quadrotritecale!

With the new Star Trek movie set to open in May, here come the associated action figures and other Trek paraphernalia. Check out these new Tribbles (if you don't know which episode this is from, just stop reading NOW). I do own a tribble, but since mine was purchased at Trek Con '78, it does not warble around Klingons....yet.

A Case Against Accelerated Reader

Sometimes parents come up to me in the library, point to their child and say, "She's such a good reader. Already at level 2 even though she's only in 1st grade." Whoopie. Or they'll ask me for a book with at least 6 points for their 3rd grader. My first question is always to the child, IF the parents bothered to bring them: "What do you like to read about?" (my second question would be, "Why are you doing your child's schoolwork?" but whatever) I have some experience with the popular, but arguably effective, Accelerated Reader program employed in some schools. Basically, a mathematical formula is assigned to *some* books based on number of pages, words per page and reading level, which is somewhat subjective. For four years, I was in charge of this program in an elementary school. I kept track of the kids' points, helped to initiate incentive programs and, as a library aide, was encouraged to "push the points." All this, I did with a heavy heart. I would always tell the kids, "Okay, this book is four points but keep in mind that there are many, many books in our library that are wonderful but have zero points." Most times, they chose the AR books, since reaching the ten point level won them a chain necklace with a dog tag. Reading became a contest, something you *win,* not something to be done for the sake of enjoyment. I would watch two friends high five each other as they finished a Brian Jacques book, since that afforded them a luxurious 16 point lead over a competitor. "But," I'd ask them, "what did you think about Martin the Warrior? Was he a hero, in your opinion?" The blank looks on their faces gave me the answer. AR tests don't measure comprehension -- not really. I know this because I've made up tests before, and while I promised myself to always read the entire book before creating the quizzes, I was encouraged to perform the mantra of standardized testing: "just scan for the answer words." Don't get me started. I worry about parents thinking that a 14¢ chain jangling with dog tags means their kid is literate. I worry about a school system that doesn't give the kids enough credit to choose for themselves to let their minds expand through imagination, without keeping a score card. But mostly, I worry about kids who may never know what it's like to lose yourself in a book that is really, really GOOD. Deliciously good. A book that makes you sigh when you close the last page, regretting that the experience is over. Satisfaction, not because it has a high number penciled onto its title page or because someone else put it on a list, but because the story touched something in that particular child; maybe something that could change that child's outlook on life altogether or make that child see the world in a completely different way than they'd been taught. For those of us who are dedicated, lifelong readers, just think what your life would be like without the influence of what we've already read: how did Jo deal with rejection as she tried to become a writer, or what was important to Charlotte as she prepared to die? I have no idea how many points these books are, and honestly, I don't care. I do care that the measure of a book should be how it affects the individual, not in the number of pages finished. One of my favorite recitations is, "The more you read, the more you know. The more you know, the smarter you grow. The smarter you grow, the stronger your voice when taking a stand or making a choice." In this time of big change and responsible choices, it seems that our priority should be making sure the next generation becomes as smart as possible.